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Maryberry’s View on the Oscars 2015 (Parental Advisory)

So, here’s something that has never happened before: for the first time in my long long life, I have actually seen all the major films with best picture nominations at the annual Academy Awards. I’m feeling feisty today, henceforth, I thought I’d share my energetic opinions with the world. 

It’s February 22, 2015. Another year has passed, another year (namely the 87th) of the Academy trying to make everybody believe they are an actual academy


Very white lies. 

Very white and very male lies. 

Because 94% of Academy members are white, and 76% identify as male. The average age is 63. This is the reality, and it also reflects how the institution Hollywood is run: by saggy old white balls.

The Academy Awards are achievement awards, and should – by definition – be awarded for achievements in the given categories. As objective as this sounds, it really isn’t. Favoritism happens like the undazzled sun is sure to rise again on February 23.

Below you will find my breakdown of this year’s best film nominees, and my nonchalantly subjective judgment as to what their achievement comprises.

I need to preamble a parental advisory to this blog entry: Since I have a much looser emotional attachment to the English language, I am not afraid to use certain words, and use them a lot. You have thus be warned. Don’t hold it against me.

1)     American Sniper
How this film ends up with 6 nominations is beyond me. Apart from Cooper’s achievement in hitting the gym and chicken breasts every day I cannot find any reason why this atrocity should be nominated. It’s an insult to humanity.

Maryberry’s vote: I’m gonna sniper off Clint’s balls if this wins best picture. I’m gonna sniper off Clint’s balls if this wins anything, period.

2)      Birdman (or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
Hyped like none other, this film is a bore until you see the short awesome sequence they had in the preview.  The achievement certainly lies with cinematography and Michael Batman Keaton.

Maryberry’s vote: Best cinematography

3)      Boyhood
It ain’t bad. Kudos goes to Linklater, Ethan Hawke, and Patricia Arquette for signing on to a decade-long project.

Mayberry’s vote: Best direction, best female actress in a supporting role

4)      The Grand Budapest Hotel
There’s three good things about this very Wes Anderson-y film: 1) It claims to be based on stories by Stefan Zweig. At the same time, isn’t it odd then, that it’s nominated for original screenplay? 2) Karl Markovics is in it. He’s an awesome Austrian actor. 3) Well, I guess there were only two good things about this film. Costume designer Milena Canonero is yet again nominated. I had the pleasure of working with her back in Vienna, and all I can say is that she’s partially responsible for bankrupting the Burgtheater... The Grand Burg Theater.

Maryberry’s vote: best production design

5)      The Imitation Game
I wrote a blog entry for this flick, and I don’t wanna reiterate. It cuddles a bit too much with King’s Speech, and turns a perfectly good nerd-empowering story into a gay tragedy.

Mayberry’s vote: best score. If this 12-year-old gay kid from Chicago wins for best adapted screenplay I’ll have to laugh, cry, and masturbate at the same time. And I’ll still sniper off Clint’s balls.

6)      Selma
This film will make you hate the White Man for brutally beating up the Black Man and Oprah Winfrey. While David Oyelowo portrays an eloquent MLK, Selma’s real achievement is that its director Ava DuVernay is a woman of color. Out of all the nominations, this is perhaps the only true achievement. Therefore, the fucking Academy bitches ignored her entirely.

Maryberry’s vote:  should have been nominated for best direction

7)      The Theory of Everything
This is a wonderful little story. A pat on the back of screenwriter Anthony McCarten for believing so much in the human intellect that he actually tried to make us understand Hawking’s theories about the Big Bang and what-not. Give it up, we’ll never get it. Eddie Redmayne nails it.

Mayberry’s vote: best actor in a leading role

8)      Whiplash
This is one hell of a wild ride, caused by none other than JK Simmons who shoots out his insults with imposing sincerity. Drummers and non-drummers around the world were fascinated by single-stroke-rolls and double-time swing. The blood on snare and ride was a bit much.

Mayberry’s vote: best actor in a supporting role

Well, so far the best picture nominations. 

Have you noticed? Have you?

Yes, I didn’t like any of nominations enough to give them my best picture vote.

Here’s why:
More than any other year, the Academy has snubbed films that were a) excellent and b) did achievements more so than the 8 nominations.

So, I decided to write an open letter to the Academy:

Dear old white farts at the Academy and your saggy balls,

Academy, you dumb. Your annual incompetence to follow your own guidelines and well-intentioned agenda makes my genital frigid. So, in order to get it warm and fuzzy again, I’m hereby humbly writing to you to set records straight.

You have successfully snubbed the following films that should have caught your eye IF you really cared about achievements in the motion picture arts.

1)      Nightcrawler
This film is incredible in both story and story-carrier Jake Gyllenhaal. If you can’t see that this young man is acting his heart out in the edgiest and most polarizing performance of his life… Academy, you dumb.

2)      Gone Girl
Yes, we loved Rosamund Pike, and her nomination is well deserved and will hopefully climax in a bald golden dude motor boating her breasts. However, the true talents here are writer and editor. This film is nearly three hours long without feeling like it. And if you can’t see that Gone Girl is one heck of a fresh and unique story… Academy, you dumb.

3)      Interstellar
Have you even seen this film? How is this not nominated for best original script? At least, Interstellar was in fact originally conceived by the Nolans, and not half-heartedly stolen like plot-hollowed Gravity. I presume you nominated Interstellar’s visual effects not because you actually watched the film, but because you reckoned it’s space, it surely must have some nice visuals. If you can’t see how much delicate work and brains went into this venture… Academy, you dumb.

4)      Paddington
Yeah, I know. But hey, you nominated Guardians for the raccoon, so why not nominate an adorable wee bear from Peru? And if you didn’t see that the production and costume design is outstanding… Academy, you dumb.

5)     The Lego Movie
Really? You had the audacity to nominate How to Train Your Dragon Part Two, but you wouldn’t put this entertaining flick on the list? How dare you? I guess everything’s awesome when one’s part of YOUR team. Academy… you so dumb.

Last but not least…

What THE FUCK is up with the goddamn sound editing and sound mixing? How THE FUCK are these still categories? No seriously, does anybody of you know what the FUCKING difference is? And if you can’t even distinguish between good and bad stories, how THE FUCK can you determine whether a film has good or bad sound editing or sound mixing?

Please write back soon,

P.S.: You felt the need to nominate Meryl Streep AGAIN? She has nominations worth five lifetimes. Believe me, we get it!
PP.S.: Best make-up should go to Guardians. They had green and blue and purple people, and an orange Mohawk. And since you pay so much attention to skin color, I'm sure you appreciated that, you useless sons of bitches.


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