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Manners Maketh Man, or the Power of the Female Anus – Kingsman

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy oh boy.

This is a difficult flick to write about, when all I wanna do is scream all the spoilers out into the world. If you haven’t seen it yet, get up now and walk/drive/uber/öffi to your nearest cinema of confidence. I mean it. Don’t continue reading my brain vomit. You could already be out the house, and on your way to some of the best entertainment British filmmaking has brought you, ever. To all my folks and lovelies at home: try and see it in the English original. Mr. Firth deserves your undivided attention toward his well-articulated mother tongue.

Kingsman originated in the head of graphic novelist Mark Millar, who already gave us Wanted and Kick-Ass. You like any of these? Go watch Kingsman.

Are you still sitting here?

Alright, I suppose I can tell you a few things about this unapologetic train of a movie.

So, here’s a dude called Matthew Vaughn. He’s a triple threat to society via producer/writer/director credits on projects like Snatch, Lock Stock and something Smoking (Two Barrels, I guess), X-Men First Class, Stardust, Kick-Ass.

If there is any one film on this impressive list that you enjoyed, be assured you will find something in Kingsman you will love and appreciate.

Here are the actors featured in Kingsman: Colin Firth, Mark Strong, Michael Cain, Mark Hamill, Sam Jackson, Taron Egerton, and a dude who could have been Doctor Who, but I really couldn’t tell. Oh, and remember the tall handsome guy from Coupling? He’s in it, too. It’s quite a lovely assemblage of acting British males. And Sam Jackson. And MARK HAMILL.

Again, if you like any of these names, go see Kingsman now.

Are you still still sitting here?

Colin Firth is Galahad/Harry Hart – and the dark-aged, round-tabled knight would be proud to lend him his name. Galahad is Colin how we love and adore him: well-mannered, too gorgeous to be real, owning the screen whenever he smirks his way into it. He also has impressive skills with his umbrella, not unlike a certain Mr. John Steed, from the original Avengers. (If you’re too young to have ever heard of John Steed and Emma Peel, go to bed now. It’s way past your bedtime.) Needless to say, Colin + Umbrella = FUN.

Galahad/Harry is part of a super secret service. Their credo: Dress well, dress bulletproof, dress to fight for the Greater Good. Since Colin Firth tells us it’s not the aristocratic ancestry that makes nobility but one’s relation to one’s former self, and we believe everything Colin Firth tells us (he's kinda the British Morgan Freeman), we all feel noble while we continue watching.

Another really well-dressed gentleman kicks the bucket oh-too-soon (but in an awesome way) and violà, there is a job opening at the round table. The search for Lancelot begins.

Because of a tragic connection in the past (aren’t they just always so convenient?), Harry contacts a young good-looking fella from the rough end of London. Eggsy is known as Taron Egerton in real life. You might not know Egerton from anything yet – he’s a new face in the British acting scene. But his square-jawed baby face will stick.

What follows is a traditional water and oil/master and apprentice story:
Where Colin is fencing, Taron is parcour.
Where Colin is grown-up elegance, Taron is youthful stamina.
Where Colin is classical music, Taron is dubstep.

Of course Taron enters the job interview phase with a couple of other posh public school kids. When I say public school, I mean the British definition of public school, which is private school. (If you don’t believe me: Wiki Public School) We need a body count to understand Taron's good at spy school.

Enter bad guy, suitably named Valentine, but it’s really just Samuel L. Jackson with a speech disorder. That’s one of the teensy bit sad things about the film: Sam Jackson’s lisp has an annoying inconsistency. While watching I found myself trying to figure out which sibilant Jackson lisps and which he doesn’t. No pattern, perhaps just laziness. Anyhow, Jackson is an IT genius who invents the SIM that can change your life: free phone, free internet, forever. And of course, the SIM is free, which is why EVERYBODY in the ENTIRE WORLD wants it. I mean… ? Well, there wouldn’t be any story if not EVERYBODY in the ENTIRE WORLD would have this SIM. Because, yes, you have guessed it, it’s EVIL. And it can do THINGS to people. EVIL THINGS.

He needs to be stopped. And since James Bond isn't available, it's up to the Kingsmen at Kingsman to deal with evil lisping batshit-crazy scientist.

From here on, it’s tricky to go on without spoiling anything, so I will leave it at that.

But I promise you, you will be mind-blown by the fresh and super creative fighting choreography, the most unapologetic and cheeky product placement since Evolution’s Hair and Shoulders, the most rock’n’roll opening and the weirdest crescendo/climax of a movie you will ever see, and the puppies.

And then there’s the indecent proposal of a Scandinavian princess. 

Gaaah, I wish I could tell you… all I can say is that a female rectum saves the world.

Have I said too much?

Other reviewers have stressed Kingsman’s overt lust in violence and misogyny. Well, I’ll call that entertainment and the best baddest guilty pleasure in months. Don’t expect subtlety, don’t expect philosophical depth, don’t expect cinematographic finesse.

But by God, expect to be royally entertained.

Bottom line, Kingsman is the most ridiculously
-over the top violent
film ever.

Are you still still still sitting there?

Whatcha waiting for?

And, umm, just to show you I'm really not as much of a badass as I'm pretending on my blog:
Stardust is my favorite Matthew Vaughn film, which should make me sooper kewt and adorable in your eyes.


Links of the Day:
Tea and Testosterone - Review 

Oh, and learn this, suckers: 


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